The 5 million copy
bestselling series

The Apprentice

Clichés get you nowhere fast

“Who was the one who can sell ice to the Eskimos?” several of the girls enquired seriously, as if candidate Sarah Dales had personally visited the Arctic with a bucket and ice pick. “You should be Project Manager!” they concluded. Soon Sarah was spouting out her own epiphanies, which made the team will her swift return to the North Pole, “People buy more from women as women are more attractive than men.”  Still, who knew Eskimos were so shallow?

Be an enigma

Apollo. Magna. Odyssey. No – not (all) celebrity babies but instead a selection of past Apprentice team names. This year, the boys chose ‘Summit’. Sanjay argued it sounded like ‘we’re going down town or summat’, as opposed to a space mission launched by cretins. The girls, originally called ‘Decadence’, soon changed their name to ‘Tenacity.’ Which, agreed, shows a firm persistence – with intangible, meaningless titles.


Men are just as bitchy as women

Karren Brady looked as if she were about to stick a biro in a passing forehead while observing the boys bickering about everything from balloons to hot dogs.  At the end of task two, Scott from Scotland seemed to internalise the anger of all men combined from both episodes, culminating in a rapid sacking from Sugar (use of air quotes and possessed mutterings are clearly not favoured at Amstrad. Or most asylums).

Present your ideas confidently

… No matter how ludicrous. Candidate Daniel Lassman did just this when he announced to a major clothing brand he wouldn’t wear his own product in a public place (it was a bizarre LED jumper; the man had a point).  Then again, his ‘Fact File’ on The Apprentice website states, ‘I love banter and I’m a massive wind up’. So, the jury’s out – but Daniel and that jumper are, at least for now (thank god), staying in.


Don’t be a bottler

It turns out that the only death wish greater than nominating yourself as Project Manager, is not nominating yourself as Project Manager. Excuses on the wearable technology task (as if one was needed) ranged from ‘I specialise in hosiery, not technology’ and ‘it’s a bit like saying you can ride a canoe – but can you ride a £250,000 luxury yacht in the South of France, Cannes? They’re just not the same thing.’ Needless to say, Robert “Shoreditch yuppy arty farty bollocks” Goodwin was axed. I still can’t think why.


Emma Rink